Pandemic Pains

Since the pandemic started I have had to close my business (temporarily) and come up with a way to replace two people’s income, all in the shortest amount of time possible. Our pottery classes at Red Dot can’t be held online. In the rush to create a completely new business plan, learn copious skills involving the computer, and implementing many tasks per day for which I’d normally take months to muster the courage, I have found myself feeling a bit like the coyote above. My emotions range in an unpleasant zone I haven’t encountered in decades.

I don’t like it. And yet…

I know I will be able to report later about an enormous growth spurt. I will “rebrand” my take on life with more bravery and resilience, even if I thought I had plenty of each before this happened. I will have awakened myself to a perspective I’d never dreamed I’d be capable of. I’m not saying these things to cheer myself up or relay a didactic response to impress people. I’m voicing them because I can feel these things at the same time the panic and exhaustion are playing out. I am being stretched, and I know it’s good.

I’m going to pat myself on the back for accepting the wild feelings I have during this crisis. I’m going to let myself howl and tag imaginary walls with rebellious graffiti. It is natural for me to feel unnaturally thrown-about during this extraordinary circumstance. And while I feel these things, I will keep at my tasks. I will walk, meditate, talk to friends, and get this new business going.

Serenity is not just feeling calm and happy. It is also knowing that it’s OK not to be OK, as I’ve heard so many times. I can’t help but stand outside my scared self and say, “Yep, that makes a lot of sense, your fear.” Now let’s see what happens next.